he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
