Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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