did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
