Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
