just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
