I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
