He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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