I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
