theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
