Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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