I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
