They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
