I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
