just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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