ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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