i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
