im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I did not marry a roomba.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
