You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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