I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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