it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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