I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
