mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
