My friends, they love my intelligence
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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