woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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