I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I could fuck to npr.
Let's get the cat blown out
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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