You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
