don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
