You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
