I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
