dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
