Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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