dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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