My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
