what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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