i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
