how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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