hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
