We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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