The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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