Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
