Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
