i just sent this text using only my big toe
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
