Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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