finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this just has baby written all over it
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
