Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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