My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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