I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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