you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
