She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
