hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
