I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
