I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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