i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Still dying that you shit outside
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
